| How low do you have to be to kill your own dog? |
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On Thursday June 5th I did something I would have considered unthinkable.
I put down my healthy 5 year old dog. She loved and trusted me and I killed her.
the
day started like many another day. I was up early to clean the kitchen
in preparation for a new refrigerator being delivered that morning.
When
they arrived I informed them i would have to lock away all the dogs (6)
in the living room so as they could come thru the back yard to the
back door. As we gathered them in the living room and I tried to exit
to the kitchen with all the dogs gathering in the door way. Tesla
turned and attacked her daughter K'Ehleyr for no reason. (she had done
this last week too and we had worked thru it and everything returned
to normal)
After finally getting them separated I put Tesla in a
small pen in the back yard, the men brought in the fridge and after a
bit I checked on Tesla who looked calm enough as the other dogs ran
around in the yard.
So I let her out thinking all should be well as
it was last week. Only in her eyes it wasn't when K'Ehleyr came near
she went after her again. Lucky we were near the hose as Tesla
didn't want to let go So I turned the hose on and forced it in her
mouth and eventually she let go and I penned her up again. By now
poor K'Ehleyr was terrified and wouldn't even walk by her. we let them
both chill awhile and K was hiding in the house. I thought I would try
to distract Tesla, so I took her for a walk. We went around the block
and even stopped to see the guy I had got her from as a pup- he was out
in his yard - we walked up to him and I always watch her carefully as
she is very waary of strangers and has shown her teeth when scared. But
she sat right in front of him and let him pet her head and then even
rolled over on her back to submit. I did catch a glimpse of teeth when
she did that so I bent over her and rubbed her belly and told her she
was good.
He thanked me for bringing her over to see him.
We
continued on and stopped at another neighbors house- Mary the CAT LADY.
we stopped by to see if any of our cats were visiting. Mary was
watering her garden and popped out from behind a hedge and startled us
both.. Tesla barked at her. I got her to sit and offer Mary her paw she
did this from a great distance. then when Mary spoke to her she barked
at her again... In all we were probably there for almost a half hour.
Mary gave her some can cat food that the cats hadn't touched yet. Tesla
gave her a paw again but still barked. we sat on the her back steps and
Tesla came closer and eventually snuck in a lick to her leg and then
her hand. She was not a bad dog, just scared.
We had to go home.
I was exhausted I hadn't eaten since the day before and I had been up
since 4am. I was very nervouse approaching the front door, not knowing
where the other dogs were- hoping they were in the back yard. but they
weren't. I peeked in the door and only saw 2 so I opened the door and
Tesla started growling like she normally did when we came back from a
trip that only the 2 of us had gone on. It was just one of her
idiosyncracies. I noticed K'Ehleyr on the stairs-she was very nervous
-so I urged Tesla on in to the living room. I felt if K'Ehleyr came
down the steps the safest place for Tesla to be would be in the back
yard so I let them all out. K came down but sat on the couch and looked
longingly out the back window.
After a discussion with my
Roommate we decided she would bring K'ehleyr out on a leash and I would
walk Tesla around on her leash and gauge the reaction.
as we circled
the yard, Tesla stared at her. when we finally brought them close, she
started growling - K'ehleyr was submitting- she never challenged her
mother- she wasn't even the type- I don't know if it was because She
had grown bigger than Tesla or what.. when she was little Tesla LOVED
her to death. In fact she was one of the only pups Tesla really showed
extra interest in.
Were we to expect a fight, we always thought it
would be Trinity she would go after because Trinity had the same Alpha
type personality as Tess and we thought they would clash eventually,
and they probably would have.
Well we got them to sit next to each
other in the yard. feeding Tesla treats for being good and not
growling, but when ever we walked away Tesla would still look back over
her shoulder. She always had this one track mind and fixated on
something.
So after over 1/2 hour of walking around the back
yard, I was drained- I just wanted to go in the house and relax.. I
also thought this might work to out advantage. So I went in first with
Tesla (still on a leash) and my roommate came in behind us with
K'Ehleyr. I layed on the couch and Tesla layed on the floor beside me.
When K'Ehleyr came in she jumped over the side arm of the couch to lay
at my feet, Tesla looked at her but stayed put. I was so nervous but
totally exhausted - Terrified I finally fell asleep with the leash in
my hand -just in case. I/we slept for an hour. When I got up I was to
afraid to move and disturb the peace- I didn't know what would happen
but I had hoped Tesla would forget about the whole thing. But when she
got up she sat in front of me (K was to my right -laying there but
afraid to move.Tesla smelled her and let out a low growl- I told her no
and tried to distract her. She was paying attention to me but also kept
looking a K waitng for her to move. At one point she put her paw up on
the couch and stood looming over us -a little stiff like she was just
waiting for a reaction. I was stressing out.
Then I found out that
my roommate had to go to work that afternoon. actually about an hour
away- I had thought she had the day off that day. Now I was really
freaking out. How was I going to manage without help keeping them
separated. and on top of that my other roommate would have to leave
for work in a few hours and his dogs had to go out and Tesla and his
dog Tea' already HAD to be separated because they would fight to the
death (and it wouldn't have been Tesla's) so he took his dogs out the
front while i let mine out the back. Well after the first roommate
went to work I would have no way to get Tesla to the back door to let
them out with out K'Ehleyr getting up to follow and then I knew Tess
would go after HER again.
And then the unthinkable thought came
into my head. this was never gonna get better and I would have to put
Tesla down. There was just no one to take her. she wouldn't warm up to
someone that quickly. Yes, I could find a home for K'Ehleyr
but then how long would it be til she turned on Trinity?
I
just kept saying- "I can't believe I am even thinking this!" BUT what
other options did I have. I called my girlfriend and asked her if she
could come over and help me out. I called my Aunt (my last ditch effort
- to see if she would take her -as she recently had to put her dog
down) She said No. So I called and talked to my vets office. Asked a
few questions. I still can't believe I am doing this. But Every time
there was a fight I would have an asthma attack and if it happened
again and I was alone I don't know what would have happened to them or
to me.
My Girlfriend (moonstarr) Alicia said she would come over
and go with me to the vets. With chucks help(he held K) I put the dogs
out back and brought the k out front with his dogs while I finallized
plans on the phone. This all happened so fast.
I know I could have
talked myself from doing it- but to what end? It woudl get worse and
how was I to separate them? I called Alicia and told her to be there by
415- my appointment was at 430. and then took K in the house and went
out back and put Tesla in the pen and let the other dogs in. I grabbed
my car keys and then went out back to get Tesla and bring her out front
to the car (she LOVED the car and going for rides with me- so she
eagerly jumped in the front seat -HER seat) I reallized I still had to
wait a few for Alicia so I took her back out and we sat on the front
steps- she was always happy to just sit there with me and watch the
neighborhood go by. I cried in her fur. I told her how much I loved her.
Then
I put her back in the car. I went in the house to grab my purse. I came
back out- still no Alicia- it was 4:16- I got in the car and started it
and I had just backed out of the driveway and Alicia was coming up the
street. She pulled in the spot I had just vacated and walked to my car
and climbed in the back seat- Unspoken, we both know Tesla deserved to
sit in HER seat for the ride.
When we got there I took some
pictures of her on my cell and my camera ( Istill havent found the guts
to look at them again) I had Alicia take pictures of her and I while we
sat in the office and waited... it seemed like forever. Tesla was
nervous as she always is when we were there and I felt even worse
knowing that these would be her last feelings. She trusted me- I took
her for a ride she went to ethe place she hated and still went inside
because she trusted and loved me. And I betrayed her. I looked her in
the eye and told her I loved her and then I killed her..
How can this be right? How low do you have to be to kill your own dog?
I
cry everyday, missing her and knowing I can never get her back. Yes,
our house is more peaceful (stress wise) Yes, K'Ehleyr is no longer
terrified and I think even Tea' know she's gone.. but was that worth
her life?
I see her everytime I close my eyes. Maybe that will be my punishment. Forever.
Mommy will always LOVE you Tesla May - I am sorry!
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| Posted: 6/8/2008 at 01:27 | Read 136 times | 16 comments | Leave Comment |
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